Rivera, we're conducting a compliance inspection. Your postal receptacle is positioned 2 inches too close to the street boundary. She's holding that measuring tape like it's a holy relic, pointing at my mailbox with the precision of a surgeon. You have 48 hours to relocate it or face a $300 fine.
$300 for 2 inches. I take a sip of coffee, still hot enough to burn, which somehow makes this conversation bearable. Morning to you, too, Vivian. That mailbox was installed by the previous owner 5 years ago.
Recent bylaw amendments supersede grandfathered installations, she announces. and Braden, because of course his name is Braden, nods like she just quoted the Constitution. The morning dew is heavy enough that I can smell wet grass and someone's bacon cooking down the street, while these two treat my front yard like a federal crime scene. Now, back in detective training, they taught us about something called existing non-conforming use. Basically, if something was legal when installed, you usually can't force changes without proving safety issues.
I'd seen enough property disputes to know this rule inside and out. So, I decide to test Vivian's legal knowledge. I'd be happy to research grandfather clause provisions in the original Covenant, I say, keeping my voice level. Make sure we're following proper procedure.
Vivian's eye twitches just slightly, but 20 years of reading suspects teaches you to catch those tells. Mr. Rivera, I've been managing this community for 8 years. I think I understand our regulations.
I'm sure you do. just suggesting we document everything properly. Cross the tees, dot the eyes. That's when Braden decides to contribute his vast wisdom to the conversation. Sir, we don't need your permission to enforce community standards.
We have full legal authority here. Full legal authority. This kid who probably learned law enforcement from Grand Theft Auto thinks he's got jurisdiction. What kind of training did you receive for this position?
I ask, genuinely curious. His face goes red faster than a stoplight. I completed a comprehensive security certification program online course. His silence tells me everything.
Vivian steps between us like she's preventing an international incident. Mr. Hutchkins was hired through proper channels and has full board approval for all enforcement activities. Hired through proper channels.
I'm filing that phrase away for later. Right next to comprehensive security certification program in my mental evidence locker. Well, then I'm sure you won't mind if I request copies of the board meeting minutes where his position was approved and his employment contract, public records, and all that. The silence stretches long enough for a garbage truck to rumble past.