“Yes.”
I looked directly at her.
“I did.”
Emily continued.
“I’m not saying Jake and I are getting back together.”
“But?”
“But I want freedom to see what’s there without being guilted.”
There it was.
Finally.
Not just friendship.
Possibility.
I nodded.
“Okay.”
She frowned.
“Okay?”
“Yes.”
“I think we should take a break.”
“Maybe permanently.”
“Okay.”
Now she looked irritated.
“You keep saying okay.”
“What would you prefer?”
“I don't know.”
“Some emotion.”
I stared at her.
“I have plenty.”
“I’m just not giving you a performance.”
Emily crossed her arms.
“So that's it?”
“You wanted space.”
“You have it.”
Her expression shifted.
For the first time, she seemed uncertain.
“You don't even want to fight for us?”
“I did.”
“For years.”
“That isn't what I mean.”
“It is what I mean.”
She stood.
“I’m going to Lisa’s.”
Lisa was her older sister.
“Okay.”
Emily grabbed an overnight bag.
At the door, she turned.
“You're going to regret being this cold.”
I looked at her.
“I hope neither of us regrets choosing what we actually want.”
She stared.
Then slammed the door.
The apartment became silent.
I sat there for a long time.
I wish I could say I felt victorious.
I did not.
I cried.
Quietly.
I poured a drink, took it to the balcony, and cried like someone who had spent four years pretending that understanding another person meant never being injured by them.
It hurt.
Not because I doubted Amsterdam.
Because love does not immediately disappear when self-respect arrives.
I still loved Emily.
I also knew I could no longer build a life with her.
Both things were true.
The next morning, I emailed the landlord.
Proceed with replacement tenant.
A graduate student named Noah Feldman had already applied.
PhD program at MIT.
Quiet.
Strong references.
Wanted the apartment beginning next month.
Perfect.
I packed faster.
Emily texted two days later.
Can we talk?
I did not answer.
Then:
I didn’t mean for it to sound final.
Still nothing.
Then:
Alex, seriously?
We were together four years.
You don't get to just shut me out because I asked for space.
I stared at that one.
Space, apparently, had duration requirements I had not received.
I replied once.
You asked to step away from the relationship. I’m respecting that. I don’t think further discussion right now would be useful.
Her answer arrived immediately.
That's unbelievably cold.
Then:
I knew you would punish me.
I blocked the conversation.
Not her number yet.
Just muted it.
Over the next two weeks, I finished packing.
Friends noticed.
Marcus came over and saw boxes.
“What is happening?”
“I’m moving.”
“Where?”
“Amsterdam.”
He stared.
“Amsterdam Amsterdam?”
“Yes.”