Lily's voice broke. "I felt broken after Caleb. I felt stupid. I had built my whole life around someone who didn't choose me, and then I came back here and watched you two have this perfect marriage." Ava stared at her.
"Perfect?" "That's what it looked like." "So you decided to test it?" "No!" "Then what?
You wanted what I had?" Lily's silence was answer enough to be dangerous. Ava stepped closer to the table. "Did you?" "Not like that."
"Did you want him?" Lily cried harder. "I didn't plan to." "That isn't an answer." "Yes, okay?
Yes. At some point, I did. I hated myself for it." Ryan closed his eyes. Ava looked at him.
"Did you know?" He did not answer. "Did you know she wanted you?" "Eventually." "Before the first time?"
He hesitated. Ava nodded slowly. "There it is." Ryan lifted his head. "Nothing happened before that night."
"Something happened if you knew my sister wanted you and you never told me." "I thought it would pass." "You hoped it wouldn't." Ryan shook his head. "That's not fair."
Ava's expression hardened. "Do not use the word fair with me tonight." The rain outside grew heavier, tapping against the tall dining room windows with enough force to be heard. A car moved slowly down the street, headlights sweeping across the ceiling before disappearing. For a moment all three of them watched the reflected light travel through the room.
Ava thought about how many ordinary nights had passed while the secret existed beneath them. She remembered Ryan coming home from the gym smelling of rain. Lily cancelling dinner because she had a headache. Ryan turning his phone face down when Ava entered the bedroom. Lily asking whether Ava and Ryan were happy in a voice Ava had interpreted as concern.
Every memory had two versions now. That was perhaps the worst part. The affair did not merely damage the present. It reached backward, touching months of Ava's life and changing the meaning of moments she had already lived. "Did you ever talk about leaving me?"
Ava asked. Ryan's answer came immediately. "No. Never." Lily said nothing.
Ava noticed. "Lily?" Ryan looked at her. "We didn't." "I asked Lily."
Lily stared at the candle flame. "Not exactly." Ava's stomach tightened. "What does not exactly mean?" "We talked once about what would happen if you found out."
"And?" "Ryan said he would never leave you." Ava looked at her husband. A flicker of relief appeared on his face, as if he thought this statement might help him. It did not.