"So you told my sister you would keep me," Ava said, "while continuing to sleep with her." Ryan's relief vanished. "I ended it after that conversation." "After four nights." "Yes."
"And then you stayed emotionally involved enough to go to her prenatal appointment." Ryan had no answer. Ava looked at Lily. "When did you find out?" "Three weeks ago."
"Three weeks." "I took two tests at home. Then another the next morning." "Who did you call first?" Lily closed her eyes.
Ava already knew. "Ryan." "Yes." The answer hurt more than Ava expected. Not because Ryan was the father; of course Lily would have to tell him.
It hurt because Ava remembered being the first person Lily called for nearly everything else. Breakups. Promotions. Flat tires. Good news.
Bad news. Stupid news that did not matter. Not this. For three weeks, Lily had carried the largest secret of her life and built a private crisis with Ava's husband while Ava remained outside it. "When were you planning to tell me?"
Ava asked. Lily wiped her cheeks. "Tonight." Ava looked around the table. "At dinner?"
"I asked Ryan to be here." Ava stared at her. "He lives here." Lily looked ashamed. "I mean, I asked him not to leave or make an excuse."
Ava turned to Ryan. "Were you planning to tell me tonight?" He exhaled. "Yes." "Before or after dessert?"
"Ava." "I'm serious. Were you going to let me clear the plates first? Maybe make coffee? At what point in this beautiful family dinner did the two of you schedule the destruction of my marriage?"
Neither answered. Ava nodded. "That's what I thought." For a while, no one moved. The food cooled where it sat, and the candles burned lower, shortening themselves with each minute.
Ava thought about blowing them out, then hated the absurdity of caring whether wax reached the table when the rest of her life had already been ruined. Ryan was the first to speak. "I love you." Ava looked at him almost curiously.
He seemed to hear how inadequate the sentence was, because he added, "I know saying it right now sounds meaningless, but I do. I love you. I never stopped loving you." "You keep using love as if it is a feeling that excuses behavior instead of a behavior itself." "I'm not excusing it."
"Then what are you doing?" "Trying to tell you that this wasn't because I wanted a different life." Ava folded her arms. "You made a different life. You just didn't tell me about it."
Ryan looked toward Lily, then quickly back at Ava. "I don't want to be with her." Lily's face tightened. Ava noticed and felt another terrible realization settle over her. "Does she know that?"